I represent a demographic with which many boomers will identify: a workaholic who loves to travel. The inevitable result of this personality dyadic quirk is that "real" vacations are notions best left to people who know how to relax, while "working" vacations satisfy our needs to take off, land, be somewhere else for a while, and justify overeating because we’re on "vacation" while we happily work away, "getting something done."

So when a friend said to me recently, "I go to Hollywood, Florida every year for a week. Want to come with me?" I said, "Sure. Whatever," not realizing that he would take me at my word and make all of the arrangements, locking me into my first non-working vacation in 5 years. With minimal panic, boredom or anxiety, I survived the week. But I learned valuable lessons about vacationing, specifically about vacationing in Hollywood, Florida.

Here’s what I discovered:

1. Accommodations
Hollywood, Florida seems to have 2 options: upscale and tacky. Upscale means a place that has its own pool, views of the beach from your rented condo or hotel room, and poolside service. Tacky has a shower in your bathroom that doesn’t drain well (if at all), views of the beach from the postcards you bought, and a refrigerator in which to store your beer and keep your Cheetos fresh. Tacky has the advantage of getting to know your neighbors, in some cases more than you’d like. (I had no idea people actually said things like that to each other.)

2. On the Beach
a. Cabanas"
The Hollywood beach features something called "cabanas", which is either an umbrella and double seating set-up on the beach or a technique to get you up way too early for anyone in their right mind who is on vacation. In order to secure one of these cabanas, you need to rise before dawn, take $20 down to the beach, walk what appears to be miles down the sand to where these things are located (since your tacky unit is on the tacky end of the beach which doesn’t cater to people with $20), and stand by a cabana that isn’t already staked out by someone else waving a $20 bill. Eventually, an ancient cabana "boy" will drive by in a cart, take your money, and unlock your set, leaving you with two pads for the lounges and an orange this-is-my-cabana-so-don’t-even-think-about-it traffic cone to set out while you hike back to your accommodation unit. Throughout the day, once it actually becomes evident that it is day and not just leftover night, you are free to use your cabana to deep-fry your body at your leisure until about 4:00 when the "boy" returns to lock up the set again and retrieve the pads and cone. Some people read while using their cabanas; others just sauté. I spent most of my time in ours trying to figure out what the cost per square inch of burn ratio was, first using just the cabana fee, and then factoring in the airfare, accommodation and food expenditures. You don’t want to know the answer.

b. Skincare (also known as marinating)
If you haven’t been in the sun since your parents took you to Florida when you were a kid (remember that you are a workaholic and will cross the street to get out of the sun while walking to your car, even in the winter), keep in mind that all those newspaper articles you skip about being in the sun are true. Despite your spf preference, you will burn in 10 seconds or less, depending on whether you’re standing in the water (very reflective), on the sand (a little less reflective), or in your room, reading about the weather (my preferred method).



When you do burn, and wish to spend some time off the beach, do not spend the next day at a " waxing spa. "Childbirth is just a tad less painful.



3. People at the Beach
For some reason, Hollywood, Florida is a haven for working class, retired Quebecois. They have been here for months before you arrive, living in tiny units, cooking on hot plates and making the daily trek to the beach with their own towels, chair, umbrellas and other beach accoutrements. Don’t even think of competing for a tan like theirs. I now know how leather is made.

One interesting note about the Quebecois is that apparently, the older you are, the less you wear. If I had been permitted to work while on this vacation, I could have done a dandy research project on the number of women larger that I am with more stretch marks, their apparent blindness to the fact that they weren’t obsessively covering up any of those less than attractive pieces and parts, and what it would take to eschew the cover-ups for such cavalier exposure. If I could bottle that, I’d be rich.

4. Entertainment at the Beach
There is something along the beach in Hollywood called the "broadwalk" (which is only mistakenly and repeatedly called the "boardwalk" by people who haven’t taken a real vacation in 5 years), part of which is marked for bicyclists. Bike rental places appear every block or so, just off the beach. If you haven’t ridden a bike in 40 years, take the helmet option. And it wouldn’t be a bad idea to ask for knee, shin, thigh and elbow pads. And it’d be best to reserve one of those cervical collars in advance for later.

There is a stage at the end of the broadwalk where free entertainment is offered nearly every night. If you want to see it, and want a seat, get there early. Remember that the operative word here is "free," and everyone within what seems like a 300 mile radius – including many of the same Quebecois mentioned above who have been here since November – have already staked out their seats. And they mean to keep them.

5. Entertainment off the Beach
Take some time to go to Gulfstream Park. But don’t let the name fool you. It’s not really a park. It’s a racetrack about 30 minutes from Hollywood. If you’re with someone who is a native Louisvillian and who begins to lose his ability to breathe without some exposure to horse racing nearly every day, this will be an infusion of lifeblood for him and you won’t have to waste any of your time on cpr. Unless you, too, are a racing aficionado, you will notice that the program and racing forms are written in Klingon. But the food is good, you will see women in the shortest skirts you will ever see on people who aren’t in performances, and it’s a chance to get some knitting done while in air conditioning.

6. Eating
At some point, you’ll either want to skip the Cheetos and beer you’ve been having for dinner, or will have gone through them all too early in the vacation, and opt for some food that doesn’t bubble and leave semi-permanent orange stains on everything. You have many options in Hollywood, ranging from Broadwalk food to foraging off the strip. If you’re not a smoker and actually live in a city where the notion of smoking in a restaurant is as egregious an act as not recycling or clubbing baby seals, be aware that every person from Quebec smokes multiple cigarettes at one time, that there are more of them than you, and that they will park themselves right next to you in the outdoor cafés, invade your territorial imperative, and light up faster than their exposed bottoms are fully seated in those uncomfortable plastic chairs. The wind will always be blowing in your direction, and your adult-onset asthma that you thought you’d left behind in whatever polluted city from which you escaped will flare up if you don’t immediately move inside where, despite and perhaps because of the open windows, there will be no working air conditioning. That, however, is where the cheap food is. Take your pick.

Off the strip there are many wonderful places to eat, if you don’t mind waiting an average of an hour for your table and another eon for your food. The best solution to this is to hang out at the bar where those in the know sit and eat because they can get seated and served faster than waiting in line with tourists, hang over their shoulders, question them incessantly about what they’re eating, and hope they offer you some.

7. Shopping
Again, your choices will be on or off the beach. The general rule is the closer you are to the water, the more shell lamps, baby sharks in formaldehyde and desiccated alligators you’re likely to find. There are also a fair amount of "beachwear" stores up and down the broadwalk specializing in clothes even the Quebecois won’t wear. Too much coverage, I guess. If you do consider making a purchase, check the fabric content carefully. According to the sales people, everything is made from pure silk. Even if it looks, feels, smells and tastes like terrycloth.

For those of us who get burned, waxed, and run around the racetrack and are still left wanting for an authentic Florida experience, there is downtown historic Hollywood, where every other storefront seems to be empty, and your standard big box and strip mall stores. But Sawgrass Mills might save your vacation. It’s really off the beach, so leave plenty of time to get lost. While this response might be overexposure to the sun or waxing strips, once you step onto the premises of this extraordinary outlet mall, you will believe you have died and gone to heaven. And if you’re lucky enough to have flown an airline that doesn’t charge you for that second bag, it might even be cost effective to load up here.

So I made it through a whole week without working, with almost no Internet access, and without threatening to leave early. When I got down there, I thought the over and under on how long I could stay was less than 3 days and I beat it by 4 days, managing to stay the whole time. And I must have learned something since the previous sentence was expressed in gambling parlance, not Klingon. Would I do it again? Ask me again in 11 months when the sunburn has healed and my eyebrows have grown back.


The Best of Hollywood, Florida According to Me


Marine Villas: http://www.marinevillas.com/MarineVillasInternet/Attractions/attractions0.html
Plenty of space for your beer in the fridge, and an actual view of the beach.

Billy’s Stone Crab
http://www.billysstonecrab.com/
Wonderful and expensive stone crab and other seafood.

Le Tub
http://www.theletub.com/
Rustic bathroom décor with the best burgers anywhere.

Giorgio’s Grill
http://www.tripadvisor.com/Restaurant_Review-g34296-d474088-Reviews-Giorgios_Grill-Hollywood_Florida.html
Italian and Mediterranean food. Amazing bouillabaisse. Fine bakery a block away.

Sawgrass Mills
http://www.simon.com/mall/default.aspx?ID=1262
Incredible outlet mall. Plan for a whole day there.

Wings
http://www.wingsbeachwear.com/
Best selection of the worst souvenirs.